I am grieving
Loss of a grandparent
Often the first person we ever lose. Often a love we did not know how to measure.
For many people, a grandparent is the first significant loss of their life. It can be the loss of unconditional love, of the keeper of family stories, of the smell of a particular kitchen. It is allowed to be huge.
Why this grief is its own particular shape
Grandparent grief is often gently dismissed, they had a long life, they were old, it is the natural order. All of this can be true and the grief can still split you in two. Long-expected losses are not small losses.
What you may be feeling
- A particular, tender ache, the love was often very pure
- A sense that a generation has closed
- The loss of stories that no one else now holds
- Watching your own parent grieve their parent
What they gave you (the songs, the recipes, the safe corner of their lap) stays. You are part of how they continue.
Home for grief
When you are ready
There is nothing you must do, and no order to do it in. These are only offered, for whenever they feel possible.
Speak their name.
Tell the stories, hum the songs, cook the recipes. Saying them aloud keeps the bond alive rather than closing it.
Gather what they kept.
A grandparent is often the keeper of family history. Ask the questions you still can, write down what you remember, some of what they held can still be saved.
Let it be your first grief, if it is.
If you have never lost someone before, you may not know what is normal. There is no normal. Whatever you feel is allowed, and you do not have to carry it well.
Be gentle with your body.
Grief lives in the body as much as the heart. Rest when you can, drink water, eat something, not to heal faster, but to be held through it.
Let the family grieve together, and apart.
You may be holding your own grief while watching a parent lose their parent. Both are real. You are allowed to need comfort even while you offer it.
when you are ready
take the next step
a grandparent is often the keeper of family history, and often a young person's first loss. these are gentle ways to honour them, and to save the stories they held. some are especially for children and young adults.
to do, gently
interview your relatives.
ask the older ones what they remember, the recipes, the love stories, the old country. record it. you become the keeper of stories now.
you are not alone
grief support is for anyone who has lost someone they loved, and there is help for grieving children too.
grief support groups→what they held can still be saved.
You may also wish to read
Where to turn
Bereavement counselling, long-expected losses are still real losses, and grief support is for anyone who has lost someone they loved. Many hospices and counsellors offer it; your local hospice is a gentle place to ask.
If a grandparent helped raise you, your grief may be as deep as for a parent. A counsellor who works with grief can help you honour a bond that others may underestimate.
If the days feel unbearable
If you are struggling to carry on, please reach out, you should not have to hold this alone.
SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567
Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322