Support a griever
Supporting someone who has lost a baby
There was a person. There is a grief. Please do not look away.
Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, these are losses of real children, and the grief that comes with them is full grief. The world is often silent about this. Please be the one who is not.
What they may be feeling
They may feel invisible in their loss, or that the world expects them to 'try again' and move on. The body grief alone, in early pregnancy loss, can be devastating. The arms-aching grief of stillbirth and infant loss is its own particular ache.
Gentle ways to be there
- Say: 'I am so sorry your baby died.' Do not avoid the word.
- Acknowledge the due date, the anniversary, the time that should have come.
- Ask if they had a name for the baby. Use it if they did.
- Do not assume they want to be around your pregnancy or newborn; ask gently.
What is often harder to hear
- 'At least it was early.' Every pregnancy loss is a loss.
- 'You can try again.' Perhaps. Not the point.
- Silence, pretending it didn't happen.
Name the loss. Name the child if there is one. Stay.
Home for grief
Where to turn
For them, and for you.
If you don't know how to name it
many people stay silent around baby loss because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing, and that silence is its own wound. You don't need the perfect words. Using the baby's name, or simply "your baby," and gently suggesting support can mean everything. Something like: "I won't pretend to know what this is, but I'm here, and if it would help to talk to someone who understands this kind of loss, I'd help you find them." A counsellor, their GP or clinic, or the lines below are places to start.
Look after yourself, too
Supporting someone through the loss of a baby is heavy, and you may be grieving the baby too, or unsure how to hold both parents if their grief looks different. You are allowed to feel it, to tire, and to lean on your own people. Tending to yourself is part of being able to keep showing up.
Take the next step
refuse to let this child be unseen
the world often acts as though there was no one to lose. there was. some of the most loving things you can do simply insist, gently, that this baby was real and this grief is whole.
let there have been a baby
so much of this grief is made worse by silence, by people too afraid to mention it. you do not need the right words. "your baby mattered, and so does this grief" is more than most people will manage to say. follow their lead on the baby's name, and use it if they use it.
mark the days no one else will
the due date, the anniversary, the date everything changed, these come around quietly and often alone. a gentle message on one of them, months or a year on, can mean more than anything said in the first week. let them know the date did not slip past you.
do not hurry them past it
"at least it was early" and "you can try again" land as erasure, however kindly meant. there is no timeline here, and another child does not replace this one. you can be the person who never once suggests they should be over it, who simply lets the loss be as large as it is.
and if you would like something to steady you while you steady them, there is a small shelf of books for the ones who stay. browse the shelf →
If you are worried about them
"If you are frightened for them, or sense this grief has become more than they can carry, you do not have to do that alone or know exactly what to say. Reaching out for guidance is an act of love."
SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567
Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322