Support a griever
Supporting someone who has lost a child
There are no right words. There is, however, you, staying.
If someone you love has lost a child, you may feel completely powerless. That is appropriate, there is nothing you can do to make this less. But there is much you can do to make them less alone in it.
What they may be feeling
They may seem unreachable, furious, eerily composed, or all of these in the same hour. They may not want to talk about anything else. They may not want to talk about it at all. Both can be true on the same day.
Gentle ways to be there
- Say the child's name. Often. Out loud. They are terrified people will stop saying it.
- Show up without needing to be entertained, sit, make tea, fold the washing, leave again.
- Remember the anniversary, the birthday, every year. A short message: 'thinking of you, and of [name], today' is enormous.
- Bring food they do not need to thank you for. Drop it at the door.
- Use the future tense about the child sometimes (they would have been twelve this year) if it feels right. Many parents long to hear it.
What is often harder to hear
- 'Everything happens for a reason', please, no.
- 'At least you can have another' or any sentence beginning 'at least'.
- Disappearing because you don't know what to say. Saying anything kind, even imperfectly, is far better than silence.
- Asking them to comfort you about their loss.
- Suggesting they should be 'moving on' on any timeline.
You will not fix this. You are not meant to. You are meant to stay. That is the whole job, and it is not small.
Home for grief
Where to turn
For them, and for you.
If they are struggling more than you can hold
there is no shame in this, for either of you. You can gently suggest professional support without it sounding like you are stepping back. Something like: "I'm not going anywhere, and I wonder if talking to someone who really knows grief might help too." A counsellor, their GP, or the lines below are places to start.
Look after yourself, too
Walking beside someone through the loss of a child is heavy, and it can quietly wear you down. You are allowed to feel your own grief for the child, and your own helplessness. Tending to yourself is not disloyalty, it is what lets you keep staying.
Take the next step
ways to keep showing up
there is no single right thing to do. but if you are looking for somewhere to begin, here are a few small, real ways to stay close.
read something that helps you stay
grief asks a lot of the people standing beside it. a small shelf of books on companioning someone through loss, not on fixing it, on staying. browse the shelf →
do the next ordinary thing
bring food they do not need to thank you for. put their child's birthday and the anniversary in your own calendar now, so the date does not slip past you. send the short message when it comes. gentle ways to be there →
help them keep the name alive
sometimes the kindest gift is one that says, plainly, your child is remembered. a candle to light on the hard days, a keepsake that carries their name.
If you are worried about them
"If you are frightened for them, or sense they may be in danger, you do not have to carry that alone or know exactly what to say. Reaching out for guidance is an act of love."
SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567
Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322