Support a griever
Supporting someone who has lost a grandparent
Often a first grief. Always worth full witness.
For many people, a grandparent is their first significant loss. The grief can be much larger than the world makes room for. Do not underestimate it because the person was old.
What they may be feeling
Tender, often quietly huge. They may also be grieving the closing of a generation, or watching their own parents grieve.
Gentle ways to be there
- Ask about the grandparent, the food, the songs, the house.
- Treat the loss as real, no matter the grandparent's age.
- Send a card. Even if you didn't know the person.
What is often harder to hear
- 'They had a good run', true, but it is not what they need today.
Honour the love. Make space for the goodbye.
Home for grief
Where to turn
For them, and for you.
If this is their first real grief
losing a grandparent is, for many people, the first time grief has ever lived in them, and its size can be frightening when there's nothing to compare it to. Gently naming that support exists can steady them. Something like: "There's no wrong way to feel this, and if it would help to talk it through with someone, I'd help you find them." A counsellor, their GP, or the lines below are places to start.
Look after yourself, too
They may be holding up a grieving parent while grieving themselves, and you may be the steady one for all of it. You are allowed to feel your own sadness for the grandparent, and to lean on your own people. Tending to yourself is part of being able to keep showing up.
Take the next step
be steady through a first grief
for many people, this is the first time grief has ever lived in them. they have no map for it, and the world keeps telling them it should not hurt this much. some of the most useful things you can do simply help them trust what they are feeling.
let the size of it be okay
a first grief can be frightening precisely because there is nothing to compare it to. you do not need to explain it away. "this is big, and it is allowed to be big" is often all they need to hear, that they are not overreacting to losing someone who shaped them.
do not let "they were old" shrink it
a long life is a comfort, not a cancellation. the love was real whatever the age. gently refuse the idea that an expected loss is a small one, for them, it may be the largest thing that has ever happened.
hold the whole generation, not just the person
they may be grieving more than one person, the closing of an era, the recipes and the language and the stories that go quiet, and the sight of their own parent becoming the eldest now. ask about the grandparent. let the whole world that is ending be spoken of.
and if you would like something to steady you while you steady them, there is a small shelf of books for the ones who stay. browse the shelf →
If you are worried about them
"If you are frightened for them, or sense this first grief has become heavier than they can carry, you do not have to do that alone or know exactly what to say. Reaching out for guidance is an act of love."
SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567
Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322