Support a griever
Supporting someone who has lost a sibling
The grief that often gets crowded out by everyone else's grief.
Sibling grief is often eclipsed by parental grief, and the surviving sibling often becomes the one holding everyone else together. They may not have been asked how they are. Please ask.
What they may be feeling
They may be carrying the practical weight of family while putting their own grief on a high shelf. They may be the 'only one' now, in a way that is silent and large.
Gentle ways to be there
- Ask them directly, not just 'how is your mum?' Ask 'how are you?'.
- Listen to stories about their sibling. The childhood ones. The ridiculous ones.
- Make space for them away from family duties, even briefly.
What is often harder to hear
- 'How are your parents doing?' as the only question. They are also someone's child here, but they are also a person whose sibling has died.
Hold space for them as themselves, not just as the surviving member of someone else's loss.
Home for grief
Where to turn
For them, and for you.
If they are holding everyone but themselves
surviving siblings often become the family's steady one, and their own grief goes unattended for months or years. Gently suggesting support can give them somewhere their grief comes first. Something like: "Everyone's been asking about your parents, but I want to know how you are, and if it would help to have someone in your corner, I'll help you find them." A counsellor, their GP, or the lines below are places to start.
Look after yourself, too
Being the friend who sees them (not just the family's spokesperson) is quietly important work, and you may be carrying your own feelings about the sibling, too. You are allowed to grieve, to tire, and to lean on your own people. Tending to yourself is part of being able to keep seeing them clearly.
Take the next step
be the one who turns to them
almost everyone will ask how their parents are. very few will ask how they are. the most useful things you can do start by making them the subject, not the support.
ask about them, not the family
"how are your parents?" is not the same question as "how are you?". they have likely been holding everyone else together and setting their own grief aside. be the person who asks the second question, and waits for the real answer.
let them set the family weight down
offer them somewhere they do not have to be the strong one, a walk, a meal, an afternoon with no one to manage and nothing to organise. they may not get to fall apart at home. give them a place where they can.
witness what only a sibling loses
a sibling is often the only other person who remembers the same childhood, the shared room, the in-jokes, the version of the parents only the two of them knew. let them tell those stories. you are helping them keep the one witness to where they came from.
and if you would like something to steady you while you steady them, there is a small shelf of books for the ones who stay. browse the shelf →
If you are worried about them
"If you are frightened for them, or sense the grief they have set aside is becoming too heavy, you do not have to carry that alone or know exactly what to say. Reaching out for guidance is an act of love."
SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567
Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322