I am grieving
Loss of a friend or chosen family
The ones we choose. The ones who chose us back.
A close friend (a best friend, a chosen sibling, the friend who was more family than blood) is one of the great loves of a life. When they are lost, the grief can be enormous, and it can also be quietly invisible to a world that does not always recognise friendship as primary love.
Why this grief is its own particular shape
Friendship grief is often underestimated. You may not get bereavement leave. People may not check in on you the way they would if you had lost a spouse. But the love was real, and so is the loss.
What you may be feeling
- Loneliness, they were often the one you would have called about this
- Anger that the world does not see how big this is
- A reordering of what matters and who you are spending your time with
- Old memories arriving uninvited and undimmed
If your friend was queer chosen family
For many in queer community, friends are the deepest family. We hold this grief with full weight, and we will not minimise it because the relationship was not on a form.
A great friendship is a great love. We honour it here as fully as any other.
Home for grief
When you are ready
There is nothing you must do, and no order to do it in. These are only offered, for whenever they feel possible.
Speak their name.
Tell the stories, the jokes only the two of you understood. Saying them aloud keeps the bond alive rather than closing it.
Claim your grief as real.
The world may not give you leave, or know to check on you. That does not make your loss smaller. You are allowed to grieve a friend as deeply as anyone grieves anyone.
Mark it, even if no one expects you to.
Light a candle, keep something of theirs, go to the place that was yours. You do not need permission, or a form, to honour a great love.
Be gentle with your body.
Grief lives in the body as much as the heart. Rest when you can, drink water, eat something, not to heal faster, but to be held through it.
Ask for what you need.
People may not offer, simply because they don't realise how much this matters. It is okay to tell them, to ask a friend to sit with you, to say this was family.
when you are ready
take the next step
this grief is often disenfranchised, unseen by a world that does not always recognise friendship as primary love. it is recognised here. take the one thing that feels possible today, and leave the rest.
to do, gently
visit a place you both loved.
the café, the trail, the corner of the city that was yours together. sit there a while. let the place hold the memory with you.
you are not alone
others understand that a friendship can be a primary love, and a primary loss.
grief support groups→a great friendship is a great love.
You may also wish to read
Where to turn
Bereavement counselling, grief support is for anyone who has lost someone they loved, not only family by blood or marriage. Many hospices and counsellors offer it; your local hospice is a gentle place to ask.
Being among others who understand that a friendship can be a primary love can matter especially here. A counsellor or hospice can often point you toward a group near you.
If the days feel unbearable
If you are struggling to carry on, please reach out, you should not have to hold this alone.
SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567
Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322