I am grieving
Loss of a sibling
The person who was meant to walk beside you for the whole of it.
Sibling loss is often called the forgotten grief, overshadowed by the grief of parents, the grief of partners. But a sibling is, for most of us, the longest relationship of our lives. Losing them is a particular and lasting ache.
Why this grief is its own particular shape
Your sibling shared your beginning, your inside jokes, your knowledge of the home you grew up in. When they go, a piece of your own history goes with them. You may also find yourself holding space for grieving parents, even as you grieve.
What you may be feeling
- Being the only one now, and what that asks of you
- Old childhood loyalties and tensions, reactivated
- Worry for your parents, layered on top of your own pain
- A particular intimacy of grief, they knew you in ways no one else will
Sibling grief is real grief. Whether you were close at the end or estranged, the bond is yours, and so is the loss.
Home for grief
When you are ready
There is nothing you must do, and no order to do it in. These are only offered, for whenever they feel possible.
Speak their name.
Tell the childhood stories, the inside jokes only the two of you knew. Saying them aloud keeps the bond alive rather than closing it.
Let your grief be its own.
You may be holding your parents up, or holding the family together. Your loss is no smaller for being quiet. You are allowed to grieve as fully as anyone.
Make a ritual of remembrance.
Keep something of theirs, mark the dates that were yours together, light a candle. Grief loves a place to land.
Be gentle with your body.
Grief lives in the body as much as the heart. Rest when you can, drink water, eat something, not to heal faster, but to be held through it.
Let every feeling have room.
Old rivalries and deep love, relief and longing can share the same hour, even if you were estranged. None of it cancels the bond.
when you are ready
take the next step
many siblings feel forgotten in their grief, set aside to hold everyone else up. you are not forgotten here. take the one thing that feels possible today, and leave the rest.
to do, gently
write a favourite childhood memory.
the one only the two of you shared, the den you built, the trouble you got into, the secret language. write it down before it softens.
you are not alone
others who have lost a brother or sister understand the grief the world tends to overlook.
sibling loss support groups→your grief is not smaller for being quiet.
You may also wish to read
Where to turn
Bereavement counselling, many hospices and counsellors offer grief support, whether or not your sibling was in their care. Your local hospice is a gentle place to ask.
Because sibling loss is so often overlooked, being among others who understand it can matter especially. A counsellor or hospice can often point you toward a group near you.
If the days feel unbearable
If you are struggling to carry on, please reach out, you should not have to hold this alone.
SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567
Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322