I am grieving
Anticipatory grief
When loss is already beginning, and they are still here.
Anticipatory grief is the grief that begins before the death, sometimes long before. Diagnoses, decline, the slow goodbye of dementia, terminal illness in someone you love. It is not 'pre-grieving'. It is grieving, in real time, while still loving them now.
Why this grief is its own particular shape
Anticipatory grief is exhausting in a particular way. You are grieving and caregiving and hoping and preparing, often all at once. You may feel guilty for grieving someone who is still alive. You should not.
What you may be feeling
- Exhaustion, body and spirit
- Guilt for grieving 'too early', or for wanting it to be over
- A different kind of presence with them, sharper, more tender, more tired
- Difficulty being around people who do not know yet, or who do not understand
You are not loving them less by grieving now. You are loving them in two tenses at once. We see how hard it is.
Home for grief
When you are ready
There is nothing you must do, and no order to do it in. These are only offered, for whenever they feel possible.
Be present now, in whatever way you can.
If there are things to say, say them. Record a voice, keep a hand held, sit in the quiet. There is no script, and no test, only the time you have.
Let yourself grieve and love at once.
You can mourn who they were, and treasure who they still are, in the same hour. Grieving now is not giving up on them. It is loving them in two tenses.
You cannot pour from empty.
Caregiving asks everything. Rest when you can, eat something, accept the help that is offered. Looking after yourself is part of looking after them.
Let others carry some of it.
You do not have to hold this alone, and you do not have to be the only one who knows. Tell someone how tired you are. Ask for the practical help people often want to give but don't know how to offer.
The guilt is not a verdict.
Wanting the waiting to end, or the suffering to stop, does not mean you love them less. It means you are human, and exhausted, and you have been holding this for a long time.
when you are ready
take the next step
this is the rare grief where there is still time, to say things, to ask things, to be present. these are gentle ways to care for them and for yourself, and to use the time you have. there is no script, and no test.
while there is still time
ask one meaningful question today.
what are you most proud of? what do you want me to remember? is there anyone you'd like to see? the answers become things you keep.
you are not alone
hospices support the whole family, not only the person who is ill, but those caring and grieving alongside them.
hospice & caregiver support→grieving now is not giving up on them. it is loving them in two tenses.
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Where to turn
Hospice and palliative care, hospices support the whole family, not only the person who is ill, and often through the grief that follows. Your local hospice is a gentle place to ask what is available.
Caregiver support, looking after someone in a long illness is its own weight. Carer support groups and respite care exist so you do not have to carry it without rest. A hospice or counsellor can help you find them.
If the days feel unbearable
If you are struggling to carry on, please reach out, you should not have to hold this alone.
SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567
Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322