I am grieving
Loss of an unborn child, miscarriage, or stillbirth
A love that began before the world knew to make room for it.
Miscarriage, stillbirth, the loss of a baby in early pregnancy or in the days after birth, these are real losses. Real children. Real grief. The world is often clumsy with this, and silent in a way that compounds the pain. We are not silent here.
Why this grief is its own particular shape
Pregnancy loss is frequently grieved alone, and often in secret. The relationships, hopes, names, and futures attached to that small life were real, even if no one else met them. You did not lose 'nothing'. You lost everything that child was going to be.
What you may be feeling
- Profound grief, often dismissed as 'it wasn't a real baby yet', it was
- A body that feels like a stranger, or like a betrayer
- Complicated feelings around other pregnancies, friends', strangers', your own future
- Anniversaries that no one else marks: a due date, a scan date
- Grief at the loss of the parent you were about to become
Your baby was real. Your grief is real. There is space here for both.
Home for grief
When you are ready
There is nothing you must do, and no order to do it in. These are only offered, for whenever they feel possible.
Name them, if you want to.
A name, a memory, a small ritual, these are yours to claim. Your baby existed, and you are allowed to speak of them.
Mark the dates that are yours.
A due date, a scan date, the day you knew. No one else may mark them. You can, in whatever way feels right.
Be gentle with your body and your grief.
Your body has been through something, and it may feel like a stranger right now. That is not a betrayal. Let yourself be cared for, and ask for help when you need it.
Tell someone, if the silence is too heavy.
This grief is so often carried alone. You do not have to. A trusted person, a counsellor, or others who have lost a baby can help carry it with you.
Grieve the parent you were becoming.
You did not only lose a baby, you lost a future you had already begun to live. That grief is real, and it is allowed.
when you are ready
take the next step
your baby mattered. there is no right way to hold this, and no schedule for any of it. these are gentle things (for the body, for the heart, and for remembering) to take only when, and if, they feel possible.
ways to remember
- ·hold a naming ceremony
- ·plant a tree
- ·make a memory box
- ·keep their birthstone close
you are not alone
perinatal loss has its own trained, tender support, separate from general bereavement care.
pregnancy loss support in sa→the shelf→a slowly-gathered library of non-fiction, with a section on pregnancy & baby loss.
your baby was real. there is space here for both.
You may also wish to read
Where to turn
Specialist pregnancy and baby loss support, perinatal loss has its own trained support, separate from general bereavement care. Your hospital, clinic, or midwife can refer you, and is a good first place to ask what is available near you.
Bereavement counselling, a counsellor who works with pregnancy loss can help you hold grief that others may not understand. Your local hospice or clinic can often point you toward someone.
If the days feel unbearable
If you are struggling to carry on, please reach out, you should not have to hold this alone.
SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567
Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322